Melbourne Weekend - Part 2 - The Freaks

I think I must be predisposed in some way to attracting complete freaks to the sphere of my being.

Without even being present, there are the hotel freaks. And although I rambled on a fair bit, I've only told you a fraction about them.....

It started when I checked into the hotel and the utter incompetent who wanted to send me off to the wrong room and wouldn't let me pay for the night that had caused so much trouble the night before.

The following day I think I must have had a day off - Saturday - a freak free day. But boy did I get my money's worth on Sunday.

I'm off to see Skye and I have to get the train. Having been to Melbourne before, I know they have this special deal where you can get an all-day, all-zones ticket for $2.50. Complete bargain or what? So I rock up at the station to get the train and it's an 'un-manned' station. I use the ticket machine to get a ticket - it's got about 5 buttons total on it - how hard can it be - right? So I'm pushing the buttons and it's telling me that the ticket is now $9.90. So I'm pressing all variations of these 5 buttons, but no dice. There's not a cheap ticket in sight.

So I decide to ring up the customer information line to find out what the deal is - I've got 20 minutes to spare anyway. So I ring up - although I wouldn't swear on a stack of bibles, my feeling was that I was being diverted to India for this call. So I speak to the guy, explain the ticket I want and he says 'Oh no, you can't buy that ticket from a machine.' Oh silly me, how stupid, why would I consider buying a ticket from a ticket machine?? No silly moi, I can either buy the ticket from the ticket window (at this unmanned station - this is going to be a feat indeed) or from a local newsagents. Great. OK, so where are these newsagents?? He tells me. Handily, they've provided a map on the side of the station so you can see where you are, kind of. He tells me a street name and number. I can see the street, but I've got no idea with the numbers - it could be 5 shops away or 500. Anyway I start walking in what appears to be the right direction - and I'm on the lookout for a paper stand outside the shop - or something to indicate the newsagent. So anyway, I'm almost on top of the place before I realise I'm standing in front of the newsagent..... which is closed. OK, so lets recap. I need to buy a special Sunday ticket for the train - not from the train station (don't be daft) but from a newsagent....a newsagent which doesn't actually open on the Sunday. At this point I was ready to kill people, but thankfully there wasn't a soul in sight, no wonder the newsagent was closed.

So I go back to the station and it's a choice between buying a ticket at four times the normal price or skipping my fare. Being a pasty law-abiding citizen (although fuck knows why) I buy a ticket. I console myself with the fact that if I convert the price to pounds, it's still well cheaper than a ticket in the UK. I'm not thinking about the fact that I'm paying FUCKING QUADRUPLE.

Anyway, I get to my destination and see Skye and the new baby - everything is very sweet. And then I need to make my way back to the city. Skye drops me off at the station and I see the fire truck and firemen all standing around. My heart sinks as I realise I'm probably now stranded an hour from Melbourne city centre. However I'm looking around, there's not even the smallest trace of a fire and I can't smell smoke - what's going on?? I nearly go marching up the ramp even though it's cordoned off with a yellow tape - I mean how dangerous can an invisible smokeless fire be?? My brush with death though is halted by the arrival of a woman dressed as a rail employee who informs us that we can't walk up the ramp to the platform, we need to walk around. Walk around.... around what exactly? So I ask her, what do you mean walk around. So she points off into the distance and says, 'walk around.' Oh my god, I'm seriously going to go mental, so I ask her to clarify exactly directions she's giving for someone who's never been to this station before, at which point I got the idea, I had to walk about half a mile down the street and under the bridge - obviously this translates as 'around'. So off I trek, with about five or so other people. The journey across the ramp would have probably take 30 seconds. Now I'm having to trek half way down the street - great. Anyway, after about 5 minute walk I'm about 500 yards from the station and I can see the entrance on the other side. And I can see a train on the platform where my train is expected to depart from. And then I see it pulling away. I resist the urge to shout out FUCK at the top of my lungs and carry on walking, it's only another 15 minutes till the next train, it'll be fine. I sit down on the platform and wait for the next train. 'The next train to the city is delayed by 10 minutes'. Then it's 20 minutes, then it's 30 minutes.

Great, so I've paid quadruple price. I've been ordered to walk a freaking mile to get to the platform, but it was too much to ask the train to wait for these people, oh no, that would be too helpful. And then the next train is 30 minutes late. Completely fucking useless. Run by Connex. Anyone who lives in South London will know what a bunch of rip off cowboys Connex are. Not to mention the people of Sydney who have a single tram and a single monorail service, both run by Connex and both so overpriced, it's only daft tourists who use it.

But wait, the freakfest isn't over yet, we need to pick up our luggage from the hotel. I say to Becci - let's use the hotel internet while we're here to check-in online. Easy huh? Then we can just turn up at the airport and it's all done. So we arrive and I say to the guy, 'we've come to pick up our luggage and if possible use the internet,' So this is our conversation:

Him 'How long would you like to use the internet for?'

Me 'About 5 or 10 minutes,'

Him shuffling in the desk draw, 'Right, it looks like we've only got vouchers for 1 hour.'

Me thinking 'Why are they asking me how long I want to be on the net when they've only got 1 hour slots to offer?' but I say, 'Hmmm, OK, how much is that?'

Him 'Six dollars'

Me 'Pffff, no thanks.'

Him 'The toilet is down the hall.'

Me 'Great, but I don't think I'll be able to use the toilet to check-in online.'

Him 'Oh I thought you said you needed the toilet.'

Me 'What the.....?????'

Becci drags me away......

But hang on, there's still more.

We get to the airport, check-in and the flight is delayed. Great, ANOTHER delay. But I'm so over it, I couldn't care less, whatever. So we sit down at the gate. We're sitting on a four seat chair on the first two seats. Eventually after about an hour someone else comes along and sits down in the seat but one up from me. No big deal. Then he starts to talk to me - pointless - I've got headphones in - and they're obvious in my ear, being white. So he taps me on the arm and says 'I've got someone coming with me.' And I'm thinking great, what do you want, a medal? So I nod politely and say, 'Mmmmhmmm, OK' and put my headphones back in. And then he starts to talk to me again..... tapping me on the arm 'So will you move this bottle?' But seriously, my patience has been tested ALL day and now I've got someone asking me to move a bottle of diet coke for someone who hasn't even turned up yet - and shows no sign of even being in the vicinity. And he's obviously pissed off that his announcement that he has a friend with him wasn't enough for me to determine that I'm meant to be moving something. So bottle moved, everyone's happy. And that friend still doesn't turn up for another 20 minutes. Oh god.

And then when I thought that I'd had more than my quota of complete nutters we get on the plane and sit down. I've got my ipod with me and so Becci starts having a look through at the songs and so on. Bearing in mind that we're waiting for other people to get on and we've not even gone anywhere yet and the woman sitting next to her starts piping up that it's not safe to use the ipod on the plane because 'It's like a palm and could set things off.' Oh god, if only there were ejector seats on the plane. *That's* what I wanted to set off. We nearly had the first ever 'beating to death with an ipod'. But in the end there was enough turbulence on the plane to shake all your teeth out - so instead of focusing on killing the woman next to me, I had to focus on not plunging to my death. And all the while the cabin crew are being thrown left and right, simultaneously saying, with fake smiles, 'Oh yes, it's completely normal, it's just the clouds....'

So there you have it. Freak attack and turbo turbulence. Nice.